Battle of the sexes

I recently read a study that said women use an average of two and a half times as many words in a day (17,000 to 42,000) as a man. In M/F discussions I’ll wager that ratio goes up to at least ten to one. This has probably been going on since words first replaced grunts for communication. Come to think of it, men probably used grunts for the first hundred centuries or so the women were using words. As a matter of common knowledge, a lot of men still use grunts in conversations with women.
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The Female Dictionary for Men:

Understanding these closely guarded secrets of the female mystique is essential if you wish to live in peace with any woman. Your particular partner may place more or less importance to any of these, but rest assured, they are all in use.

"FINE" This is the word women use to end an argument when women feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"WHATEVER" This is an invitation to argue. This means that the woman has much more to say on the matter and you must initiate more conversation or it will bite you in the butt so hard later you won't be able to sit for a week and half. Should you ever use this with her, "YOU ...." will start a war! - See last item.

"FIVE MINUTES" This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. Pacing around or hovering over the woman while waiting is unacceptable, just put on the TV but don't get too into a show because when she is ready you must be ready immediately.

"NOTHING" This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.! "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

"GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over whatever you had thought about doing like "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

"GO AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Whatever" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and then "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

"LOUD SIGH" This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

"SOFT SIGH" Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

"THAT'S OKAY" This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done or that she imagines you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Whatever."

"GO AHEAD..." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"PLEASE DO" This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

"THANKS" A woman is thanking you. Do not faint...! Just say you're welcome.

"THANKS A LOT" This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

"YOU .....!" a simple declaration of war! All above harmful words will carry at least ten times the vehemence they carried before. Don’t count on being able to get a single word in, even edgewise. You will now suffer for a very long time!
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The Guys' Rules:

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

Guys: we know all of these don’t apply to all of you, but for those that don’t, you can surely find a similar one to substitute that will.

Ladies, take these comments to heart. Understanding them rationally will save many pointless conflicts which no one ever "wins" and make both of your lives more peaceful - if that’s what you really want.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. "Terminator" and "Indiana Jones" movies are what it's all about. "An Affair to Remember" and "Sleepless In Seattle" are chick flicks.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!